05.26.2003
HOW
TO Write a Song
A
couple Zoners wrote in and asked to to explain the best way to write a song. A
musical formula, if you will. Well, not wanting them to visit me in the middle
of the night chanting Christmas carols in May, I decided to oblige them.
The
first thing you want to do is get dumped by a girl you had no business going
out with in the first place. For those of you that don't have a girlfriend (or
boyfriend), pretend. Pretend that you two crazy kids were dating and/or
married for (what you will say in the song) "forever." This is the
first step. The second step is to make certain you can play an instrument. If
not, it's no big deal. You can fake that too.
Now
the song is practically writing itself. As you will notice, when you sit down
to write this, you are probably either pissed or hurt. That's why you
had that little honey dump you. Anger or pain will work just fine. I usually
recommend starting with the lyrics, and then stapling some bullshit music to
it at the end. So let's start with the words.
The
number one rule of lyrics is, find a catchy "hook" as it's called in
the biz. Something that people will get stuck in their heads for weeks on end
until they hate you with a bat. Of course having the song played every 10
minutes on superb radio stations helps. The second rule is to hide clever
words that sound the same, but change the meaning for anyone reading the
actual lyrics in you double-platinum CD liner notes. Words like
"there" and "their" and "hair!"
So
let's see what we can whip up. Oh, by the way, everything should rhyme
somehow.
I
carefully see her hair over there.
the
way I've never cared B-4
you
sunk my battleship
you
made my life flip
and
now I can't bare the bear to bear it.
"this
is the hook part"
puddle
jumper around my brain as tigers fly upside my crane, so I'm standing here
with hair to bear in the middle of the traffic air...and I'm all out of butter
and
I'm all out of butter
and
I'm all out of butter
and
I'm all out of butter....tonight.
It
seems like we were goin' out forever
You're
as clever as a lever
And
cooler than Eddie Vedder
And
nicer than Darth Vedder
I
couldn't want more butter....better
So
who stole my pants?
You
did the crazy pee-pee dance
and
I can see your underpants
screw
that time we spent in France
and
I'm all out of butter
and
I'm all out of butter
and
I'm all out of butter....tonight.
This
song rocks so far. Now all we need is a chord structure and Tommy Matolla.
Um..for chords I suggest a C, a G, a D and even an A. In any order. For any
amount of time. Over and over again. Make a few of them major, a few of them
minor, either way. Oh, and try to use some type of ancient Indian musical
device. Something that sounds roughly like livestock walking into a sawmill.
And that my friends, is how you write a song. I'm looking forward to your
music. Losers.~Sheal
02.11.2003
HOW
TO Clean Your Desk.
Well,
first and foremost, don't. Avoid having to clean your desk at all. Of
course I say this sitting atop a giant pile of shit on my desk. Some people
say that it is very difficult to find stuff when your desk is a mess.
The truth is, it's difficult for them to find stuff on my desk
when it's a mess. Or so I tell them. And, well, honestly, I can't
find anything either. And it is because of this, that I decided to write this
HOW TO on How To
Clean Your Desk. To
tell you the truth, if I were at all qualified to clean my desk, I wouldn't be
writing this. My desk would already be clean. Now I could sit
here, and actually clean something instead of writing about
cleaning something. But I'm lazy. Not lazy like I don't bathe
myself. Just lazy like, "Hey me, it's before noon. You don't
want to do anything active, do you?" And damnit if my body doesn't
know me so well by now. So, below you will find a well-researched method for
cleaning one's desk. Enjoy, you lazy bastard.
1.
Find everything that's made of paper, and stack it up. It doesn't matter
where, just stack it up. When I was younger, I used to like stacking things up
in my brother's closet. That usually worked for no less than one hour.
If you are expecting those corporate dignitaries to swing by your half-cubicle
ugly desk like thingy (BTW: no office EVER looks this good), then stack
them on a co-workers desk.
2.
Stack up every writing utensil you can find. There should be about a
friggin' bazillion of these annoying things around. Especially those really
crappy trade-show pens that scientists have designed to EXPLODE within
thirteen seconds of you taking possession of them. They manage to leak
everywhere. In your hair, in your pocket, all over the neighbor's feret.
EVERYWHERE! So find these devil rods, and start chucking! Throw
them as far and as fast as your pudgy little arms can throw them.
Additionally, it helps to yell something like, "Fire in the hole!"
especially with today's very relaxed bomb-threat business-climate. (I say this
in kidding. In no way, shape, or form do I suggest you refer to a bomb
in a corporate setting. Save that for the bathroom, you pig.)
3.
Remember when you bought that CD burner? Remember how you screwed around
with it for about a month before the damn thing actually worked? Well
that explains the hundreds if not zillions of corrupted and smashed CDs you
have laying around your desk. I suggest putting these in, what I like to call,
special little gift locations. What this means is, hide them so your coworkers
(the term 'worker' is VERY loose in 'coworker') will find them days if not
months from now. Make sure you write things like, "Favorite
compilation CD" and "nudy pictures of family" or "DO NOT
DELETE!" This will both confuse, and entertain.
4.
Find something to write with. Find a large piece of paper. Now go somewhere
where you can be alone with your markers and paper (poster board works best,
dumbass.) Start writing things like, "condemned" and "stay
out!" and "Satan loves you!" and "Were you raised in a
barn?" ridiculously large on your redwood paper. Sneakily walk back to
your desk and start posting them all around your walls (I say 'your walls'
knowing damn-well that you don't actually own the walls, so stick with me
here.)
5.
When the authorities get there and start questioning you in that office you
were never really allowed in unless you were in trouble, remind them politely
that you have to clean your desk and don't have time for their Dragnet
bullcrap right now.
6.
While sitting on your bed, analyze where this morning went terribly wrong. Try
to figure out at exactly what point you lost control of the day's events. You
see, only by taking this introspective can you possibly understand why you are
curled up under your dirty Scooby-Doo comforter (which is offering you no
comfort at the moment) in your dirty-ass bedroom. You can't even keep your own
BEDROOM clean! How in the hell did you ever expect to clean your desk at
work? And yes, I say work knowing that you no longer have that job because you
managed to piss everyone off. Except for that "special" kid
selling ashtrays in the parking lot (right outside your non-smoking office.)
7.
Go to bed. Maybe if you just go into work tomorrow, no one will
notice. They'll just be all happy and friendly like they were
before. Ahhh crap. They weren't nice before. What are you
thinking? Stay in bed. Watch Lifetime, and start your career at BP
tomorrow.
~sheal
