02.2003
HOW
TO Fix That Loud-Ass Neighbor
Unless
you've been living in a bubble for the last decade or so, you realize that 90%
of the people you know live in apartments. This includes me. First, all
those friends (all two of them) that are buying houses or currently live in a
home of their own- I hate you. You remind people like me that we suck
with bills, money, and are generally poor white trash (no offense to the 90%
of you that live in apartments.) That being said, us apartment dwellers find
ourselves dealing with fantastic situations. Things like management not
fixing that pesky hole in the floor, and the neighbor kids playing outside
(yes, in this 2 degree weather we've been enjoying) your LIVING ROOM
WINDOW!!! Now if that damn window actually opened, you'd be able to yell
something like, "Hey you little shit! Get the hell away from my
LIVING ROOM WINDOW!! Can't you peep I'm trying to watch Boston
Public?" But the window doesn't open, so you don't yell at
them. You just carry on like the bad-with-money asshat you are.
That
being said, one of the other fun pieces to our rich lives are those ridiculously
loud neighbors. You know the ones. Those neighbors that clod up and down
the stairs like a herd of friggin' Clydesdales. Those would be the stairs that
share the same wall with YOUR stairs. And by "wall," I really mean
to say "thick paper." Whoever built these apartments needs to be
taken out back....and talked to. Then beaten. "So, Sheal," you
say out loud for some stupid reason, "how do we get these loud-ass
neighbors to quiet down and take a drink from the trough once in a
while?" Funny you should ask. I happen to know a little
secret. Enjoy.
1.
What would calm you down, if you were a bit on the loud side? A bottle
of wine? A nice cheese burger? How about a little cold hard cash? Nope.
Don't even think about it. You already suck with money-management!
Instead, make them a gift. Find whatever crap is laying around in your junk
drawer (You filthy liar! You do TOO have a junk drawer. Or in more extreme
cases, a junk 'room') and build them something that they can use.
Something that will remind them of the nice neighbors they have. Something
that will MAKE them want to be quiet. Like a giant sign that says,
"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU LOUD-FOOTED BASTARDS!!" Or a pen holder.
Either one will work.
2.
Bring it up in conversation (assuming you are on a speaking-basis with these
Thor-footed cattle.) Say something like, "Hey <insert
neighbor name here> Bob! You know, I could hear you and your little honey
the other night! Wow, you two were REALLY having fun!" He'll
most likely reply, "What night was that?" "Oh,
Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday! Wow, you two NEVER let up the
WHOLE TIME!! Ha Ha HA!!" He'll reply, "I
wasn't home this weekend!" Quietly back away, and run inside.
This will do one of two things-- a. you are now his little spying monkey-boy
that may get paid for this service. or b. he is going to beat the living crap
out of you. Either way, you are better off behind that door.
3.
When the yelling dies down (whether directed at you, or his little cheating,
backstabbing honey) grab that broom. You know, the one with all the dust on
it. The one that has more cobwebs than a Spiderman comic. Yeah, that
one, behind the Ramen noodles. Grab it. Now walk over to that shared 'wall' of
yours, and start smacking it as hard as your little elderly-looking limbs can.
Tell them to keep it down. Yell something that will now upset BOTH of them.
Mention an anniversary or birthday of a small child or something. This, again,
will result in one or both of the aforementioned events. At this point, it is
important to note that law enforcement should be kept out of this for as long
as possible.
4.
Hours will pass, and you will realize that they are STOMPING up and down the
stairs. Now they are pissed off. Both at you, and at each other. Now they will
be slamming doors, throwing fine china (yeah, like they could afford it living
in these expensive crappy apartments) and generally spurting profanity every
nine to ten seconds. Are you fed up yet? I am. Read on.
5.
Throughout the course of the evening, never Never NEVER (under any
circumstances) be quiet. If you HAVE to sleep (you little baby) crank up
those 4am infomercials. Nothing will pipe-down an unruly neighbor and
his adulterous wife like some fake Australian selling car-wax-floor-cleaner
crap. At this point, all three of you haven't been able to sleep for close to
30 hours.
6.
Walk over there (yes in your boxers, and YES at 4:37 in the morning) and pound
on their front door. When he comes to the door, politely ask him to be quiet.
You have to get up early in the morning, and their fighting, while justified,
has kept you up the whole night.
7.
During the next couple minutes, while he is smacking the shit out of you,
think about what you did wrong. Did you follow these directions properly? Did
you follow through on ALL the steps above? Did you remember the bit about the
junk room? Did you use the right broom? All of these are little tidbits you
will be able to analyze during your week-long hiatus in the ICU. And when you
get back home (now fired for not coming in to work) watch
some Lifetime™, and start your career at BP
tomorrow.
~sheal
