01.15.2004
Greetings Zoners. I know I know, you’ve missed my exceptional articles and have been checking the zone hourly waiting for my post. Well I’ve been busy and you frankly are not that important to me so you can freaking wait!
But the wait is over… now you get an article and get to hear what has been keeping me from doing this job.
Times have been tough for me. Without a paycheck (no sniggle an unsigned check doesn’t count) from
Sniggle or Sheal I’ve been in dire straits. So I finally decided it was time to go out and get a paying job. Let me tell you, it’s rough out there. The job market sucks which means the competition for a job is
tough. Just when I’m right on the edge of getting a job it falls through and I’m back to
Monster.com to look for another job opportunity.
I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m doing all the same things that have worked for me in the past: I start by putting on my lucky
underwear. I put on my best suit and High Karate aftershave. When I meet the interviewer I give them my best
smile and give a firm assertive handshake. When they ask me to tell them about myself I share my philosophies on using only the
freshest and highest quality food available. I even share some trade secrets, like where to get the best seafood in the
area. At this point I usually have them on the edge of their seat so I use my finishing move by discussing the best
special I’ve ran and a dissertation on kitchen safety. I’m not exactly sure where I lost them, but the jobs just have not been forthcoming. No biggie really, I’ve grown quite accustomed to begging for my
necessities.
However, I was able to pick up a small catering gig for New Years Eve. I put out a nice spread featuring a nice
buffet with a wide range of
foods. (There is always that dude that tries to take his buffet food
to-go) The hostess was excellent and did not skimp on anything. She only served top shelf liquors, bottles of Dom, and the finest of wines. I guess she could afford these things with such a
successful business. I’m not sure her guests were used to this level quality as the party started to get a bit
out of hand. It quickly went from sipping and chatting to
drinking and boozing. I don’t know what was slipped into the drinks but I noticed some very peculiar
reactions. With help from the entertainment for the evening I was able to get people to start
relaxing and acting like normal human beings; that is until
WilliamT showed up.
At this point the swingers really started to get out of hand. When the clothes started
coming off I started getting quite frightened. Then finally, when a
Brit joined me in the kitchen, it was time to draw the line. I put out some of the shrimp cocktail I had from 2000 and the tide finally started to
turn. It only took one to start this chain reaction as
everyone was soon worshipping the porcelain
god. At one point I thought I had took it a bit too
far, but I found out that he was a lawer and figured we can do with one less of them anyhow.
Soon they all started filing out and heading home. Some had the right idea and was using the only mode of
transportation for this type of situation. Others weren’t so smart and paid no attention to their .370 blood alcohol or the speed limit, and were quickly apprehended by the
men in blue. Even those that didn’t get busted had a hard time staying between the white
lines.
In the end I really don’t care if any of them made it home. I finally got paid and have been able to buy myself a brand new
home. Thanks suckers!
~Rocky
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