11.17.2004
QUESTION: Dearest Car Czarina, I
have a Model T car in my garage. My grandfather left it to me in his will.
(OK, actually it was not mentioned but I was the first to grab it)
Anyhoo, this car does not have a speedometeor or anything saying how many
miles it has. It doesn't even have windows or an ashtray. Is this piece of
junk worth anything? thanks
Dear Speed-o-“meteor”,
Funny thing about the Model T. It’s actually ironic that you bring it up,
because it was Henry Ford’s Model T that brought all sorts of new stuff to the
world. Take for example the assembly line and uni-fit parts. But did you know
that the term “tune-up” actually refers to tuning the duty-cycled ignition
coils (one per each of the four cylinders) to produce the same pitch. Much
like tuning a piano. So when you ask for a “tune-up” on your 2003 Ford F-150
that also has one coil per cylinder (known as coil-on-plug,) think twice and
ponder what you are actually asking for. Your truck is a bit more
sophisticated than a 20’s era auto. Now on to your question there, Numbnuts.
Everyone knows that a Model T is not worth a thin dime without dub-a-dub
spinners and a set of bumps (40-inch subwoofers.) So what you need to do is
pimp that ride for it to be able to get you laid. Leopard-print seat covers,
foot shaped, chrome plated gas and brake pedals, neon lit 8-ball shifter, a
bumper sticker that has Hobbs peeing on the Model A, and a spoiler made of
billet aluminum (minimum 8-feet wide at a 45-degree downward pitch.) So back
to you getting some tail with Henry’s first mass-produced horseless carriage.
First off, let the ho get her own damn door, assuming she got some Bling,
otherwise this ride is too low for a fat ho. At any rate....chicks dig
pimped-out-for-racing, 45-horsepower classic autos with NOS (seen Fast and the
Furious?) Ohh! About the speeding meteor. Or as us guys in the shop prefer to
call it, a speedamometer. Take a Vehicle Speed Sensor out of a 99 Olds Aurora
and then duct tape and tie-strap it to the transmission output shaft. Then
head up to Radio Shack® and get an ac/dc converter that is capable of then
emitting an ignition primary voltage waveform. Wire that in series with a
speedometer instrument cluster out of an 89 Ford cli-Taurus. That should solve
your speeding woes. Any questions, just write back in to the Car Czar.~Capt.Mooers
11.8.2004
QUESTION: My uncle wants to sell me his 1988 Camaro. It has roughly a jillion miles on it and smells like elephant pee. But, my uncle only wants $5 for the car. That's right FIVE DOLLARS! Is it worth the money? Also, if I did purchase this bad-ass ride, what's the best way to get elephant pee out of, say, a 1988
Camaro?
Dear Operation Dumbo Drop,
You know it's funny that you choose to ask this particular question. I recently watched a TV show about getting rotting flesh smells out of a Corvette, which is kinda like a
Camaro, but has less mullet-'tude in it. First off, snatch that gem up for five bones! Secondly, think about the suspension in it. For an elephant to pee inside a Camaro, it would have to first enter the passenger compartment. And I don't know if a bitchin' Camaro can handle that kinda load. So look for a list to port or starboard. Now as for removing the actual smell, you have me stumped. I would say mix
Febreeze™, baking soda, muriatic acid and some mouse pee together and put it in one of those pump-er-up garden sprayers, you know the kind that has the handle on top and goes "oooh eeeehh" when you work the
mechanism. Coat the inside with the concoction and pray for one pee to scare the other out, and the plethora of other liquids to cover the mouse pee. Best of luck sir!~Capt.Mooers
11.2.2004
QUESTION: I have a 1996 Chevrolet
3500. It makes a knocking sound when I drive it really hard on the freeway.
Why the hell does this happen? Is it your fault? Why won't you fix it?
Dear Really Hard,
I will not fix any rude person's truck or car, and
you sir, are a rude person. With that over and done with, I'm sure I know the
problem with your truck. In the the model year 1996, the General equipped all
One-Ton (3500) pickups with an old-school door knocker located next to the gas
tank. You know, the kind that makes a "clunk" noise when you rap it against an
item like a door, or gas tank. The reason for this is two fold. Step one is to
fix the problem several owners had with running over people and animals, and
the driver not realizing it. The person or animal who becomes stuck under the
vehicle quickly locates the door knocker in a Cape Fear / Fear Factor manner
and then knocks it against the soon-to-be-empty gas tank, alerting the driver.
The second purpose is to annoy the ever-living shit out of all over-sized
truck and SUV drivers, making them think that they have run over something
that once walked, talked and ate solid food, but does no longer. This in turn
makes them drive more conscientiously.~Capt.Mooers
10.25.2004
QUESTION: You shouldn't be so mad.
It makes me alugh too hard. Anyway...I have a car. It doesn't work. Can you
tell me what's wrong and how much it will cost. The symptoms are it not
running. It doesn't appear to work like a car should. It just sits there.
Staring at me accusingly. PLEASE HELP!
Dear "alugh",
You tell me to not be so mad, and then instantly
double my blood pressure by asking an asinine question. Your car doesn't
work, doesn't run...and you want me to magically tell you what's wrong and
how much it will cost to fix it? First off, numbnuts, anything could cause
your problem! Maybe your thrifty neighbor removed the engine from the car
and it now powers his wife's dildo. Maybe aliens were trying to beam you up
for a quick rectal inspection, and mistakenly looked up the poop shoot of
your car's transmission. Maybe George W's newest tax plan involves removing
the batteries from all people's cars who make less than $10,000 a year.
These scenarios just might cause your car to just sit there and look at you
accusingly, now couldn't they? And an engine or transmission replacement at
my shop costs more than you will make in the next decade! There, question
answered, jackass!! And thank you for your question, keep them rolling in.
Oh, and tell your burnout friends about SniggleZone.com.~Capt.Mooers
10.21.2004
QUESTION: Dear Car Czar! I
recently purchased a Ford Aspire. As winter is approaching, I am wondering
if I should have opted for the anti-lock brakes instead of the standard
ones. Plus it now needs some other repairs! What do you think? Did I screw
up?
Dear Screw up,
Thank you for you question, you've sparked a new
idea for my next post in the Car Czar department of the Zone. After
thoroughly reading your question, I only found one fault with your recent
purchase. You've chosen to procure the automotive equivalent to Kleenex.
Anti-Lock brakes will not help this car whose wait is doubled by your
occupancy. Seriously, all cars are crap and they all need maintenance and
repairs, it's just that some last longer than others. Drive the car until
you feel the need to buy a real vehicle that has more than 98 hamsterpower.
Forget about the ABS (anti-lock brake system) and worry about oil changes,
tire rotations and those cool-ass floor mats and seat covers with the
Chinese writing on them that you can buy at AutoZone.~Capt.Mooers
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