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ASK SNIGGLE:
08.03.2003
Two questions today. Shocking, in fact, that the sniggle is speaking up,
but...
The
first comes from a Moley Moleston, which is obviously a pseudonym for Dustin
Hoffman. Double M writes:
"Dear Sniggle,
Are you EVER going to answer an Ask Sniggle question? If so, what would you do
about a mole living in my goddamn garage?
Your
humblest of servants, Moley.
Dear Molewoman,
No.
Also,
I would most likely do nothing about a mole
living in your garage. Actually, I might send a housewarming
gift and a nice card thanking the mole for not living in my garage.
However, if you personally do not enjoy the mole, perhaps you shouldn't have led
it on. You were only looking for the moment,
but don't be surprised if the mole, feelings
like you had a connection, that it was more than just a momentary
lapse of reason. Jerk.
Hope
that you realize how lucky you really are,
sniggle
Question
2
This
one comes from another well known actress from the late ninties.
When
are you going to call your mother?
-Mom
Dear
'Mom',
If
you've taught me one thing, it's to savor
surprises. But not to worry, instead of calling, I plan on stopping by
with several of my friends.
See
you soon,
sniggle
05.14.2003
Two questions today!
The
first comes from a forlorn president of a nation state, george w. bush. GW
writes:
"Dear Sniggle,
How many camels would it take to create a ladder of camels to reach the moon?
The reason why I ask is because I'm a big fan of camels. And the
moon. And if I'm going to travel all the way there, then I'd better have
some camels, too. Your friend, GWB.
Dear GWB,
I'm not sure. Perhaps we should consult the one person who knows these things.
Uh, maybe not. I think she's still high. How about the guy who
actually vends camels? Hmm. I
tried to ask an actual camel, but he wanted more than I was willing to give him.
So, based on my research, the answer to your question is Westchester County.
Hope
that helps,
Sniggle
Dearest
Sniggle,
You
look sooo sexy in these photos that you and Sheal post. Are you involved with
anyone besides your wife? I would be most happy to meet you and let you meat me.
;) I know that not everyone believes in having a girlfriend on the side, but I
think that after all your posts you must not be getting enough loving and would
be open to enjoying a new person in your life. My name is Paula (I added the 'a'
after my operation) and hope to hear from you soon. Hugs and kisses and much
more to follow.
Dear
Paul(a),
As
you can see from this photo, my wife, daughter, and dog are quite happy together.
While I'm sure you're an attractive woman, I
doubt you hold the qualities necessary to even be considered as my 'girlfriend'.
Please don't let this hurt your feelings. I know several people, such as Willy
T, who would kill for a chance with you. Please forward your
information and I will pass it along to the local chapter of the NGLB
association.
Warmest,
plutonic regards,
Sniggle
05.04.2003
Our latest question comes from a troubled "Rollingstonemoss." I am assuming this is not her real name. At least I hope not. RSM writes:
"Dear Sniggle,
I went to dinner with my boss the other night and we totally got it on before the night was over. My
question is should I be concerned that his wife might find out or that he will fire me to keep it quiet?
Thanks Sniggle, I really value your opinion.
[You're the best in the whole world] Regards,
rollingstonemoss"
(I added the part in brackets because I'm sure she just forgot to type it.-sniggle)
Dear Rollingstonemoss,
I’m confused. I mean, got it on? I think you’re talking about the fact that you guys did some kind of ninja attack or ninja death move or ninja hiding methods used by ninjas. So you had to have gone to a Japanese restaurant that specializes in cuisine for ninjas. I think you need to put yourself in her shoes or bra. So here you guys are
hanging out. And here she is, all alone. What if that were you? Wouldn’t you want to see the boss’ ninja star? So next time you’re eating with the boss’ wife’s husband, think about how you’re making the boss’ wife’s husband’s better half feel. Perhaps next time, go over to their house for dinner and all of you can stage a cool fight scene like in the
matrix.
Your best friend in the whole-wide world who hates you,
~Sniggle
02.14.2003
Our latest question comes from a troubled "Thomas Jenner." I am assuming this is not his or her real name. At least I hope not. TJ writes:
"Dear Sniggle,
My girlfriend came over last night to say she was breaking up with me. She told me that it wasn't because of anything that I did, but that it was her and she needed to move on. She cried and said how she never wanted to hurt me and that she loved me and hoped I found someone as wonderful and special as I was. What should I do? I was totally speechless. I mean, all I wanted to do was watch Joe Millionaire and all this came out. Please help, sincerely,
TJ"
Let me start by saying - Why on earth would you invite your girlfriend over to watch Joe Millionaire? Are you insane? What woman wants to sit with her boyfriend and watch a guy be a complete jerk to women. Or, watch money hungry women backstab each other for a fraud. Plenty of people. Does this help your relationship? No.
So, she left you. It's all her, not you. Fine. Do you care? Let's say you do. Let's say she was great and you really love her. So? She's made her decision. Maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe she won't. The point is that you can't sit there, waiting and hoping and living your life stagnant. Get off the couch, put on a jacket (so you don't get pneumonia) and get out of your house.
Your relationship obviously wasn't one built on
open communication. If you hadn't had a discussion with her prior to all of this, and she's saying it's all her and you're wonderful, it simply means that she's met someone else. Your best option is to get your mind off of her. Here's some ways you can do that.
1. Call up a friend you haven't talked to for awhile and ask her to grab a beer with you.
2. Invite some of your married friends over for a dinner date party.
3. Watch a lot more Joe Millionaire
4. Make drawings of your ex-girl friend in MS Paint. Print them out. Hang them on your refrigerator and talk to them while you eat cold Chinese food with your fingers. Pretend like she's telling you that she's in love with you. Have her feed you strawberries.
5. Hire a woman in the oldest profession. While she's applying blacktop to your driveway, have her talk like your girlfriend and allude to fun times you had with her.
6. Call your girlfriend's parents. Tell them you wanted to stop by to see if they needed anything from the store and if they knew why your girlfriend cheated on you.
7. Make a dating agency video using photographs of your girlfriend. Mail it to yourself. Decide you want to give her a try and call her.
8. Apply for a job at the business next to your girlfriend's.
9. Buy your girlfriend's mortgage or apartment building. Send her eviction notices as a
joke. (This works without buying the mortgage or building, too.)
10. Post flyers with pictures of your girlfriend saying 'Have you seen me?'
While one or two of these option alone might not work, together, these ideas can serve as a recovery plan for you and your obviously shattered self-esteem. If nothing else, you can at least now watch Joe Millionaire in silence.
Godspeed,
~Sniggle
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